Musings after sem 1, before Penang trip

Hi world, I am a happy boy. I have learnt much about myself over the past half a year. I have learnt much in half a year as well. Did I do well in school? Maybe. It doesnt affect me that much. Is it a good thing? To me, I treasure the education, the process over the grade. Our degree lasts only 6 years on graduation, apparently. After that, its all about job experience. I dont know... One way to find out, right? On a separate note, it IS pretty happening.. Samba is having performances, Christmas parties. Outside, I go on alcohol parties, meeting friends, meeting new people, knowing more people better. Its been a week after my last paper. There was no great feeling of ecstasy, just felt lost. Haha irony. I am also looking forward to meeting up with my friends. Some people i got to know so much better are Yvonne, Jeremy, Ezra, En Qi, Abdullah. And they seem to enjoy my company too. Its cool like that I guess. Learning how to manage self image as well. Trying to pull many things off with finesse. It takes effort, and money as well. I hope I dont spend too much of my parents' money too :( A side note, I GOT INTO PROJECT HUE HOPE 3 WITH ABZ. Awesome. Made my day some days ago.. To go with some friends.. WHEEEEEEE Just went on a short day trip to JB with Zili.. She turned many heads today! Haha I need to buck up, turn more heads than her!!!! HAHA. self improvement, comeon! Jokes aside, it was great to have a proper conversation with her with everything out of the way. Data plan off, no whatsapp, no emails, no bullshit. Enjoying the moment by savouring what I have, I am enjoying life's simple pleasures.

Week 7- Hell week

thefakeSMU "Its Week 7 - Time for you to die"

Week 7 is coming with Econs test and Stats151 test coming on Thu and Sat respectively. Shag, but cant seem to get my system going this week. Not sure why. Gotta buck up!

1) Samba Masala:
Learned Samba Reggae, great fun. Learning Funk, a new groove now.. Skill and practice required.. At least, its what I look forward to now... I'm glad..

2) Job
Maybe its coming? Maybe not? Haha... Lets wait and see what happens..

3) Business opportunity
Friend random msg me, ask me if im interested in doing a business.. I'm not sure why I agreed to meet up with her.. Let's see how it goes this Sun!

4) Badminton
Been talking to Marc lately. He might continue playing badminton after all.. Makes me feel like I wanna play again too..

5) Random emo
Randomly think if when I was 6, I wrote a letter to Hilda Yeoh.. She was the younger sister of Hazel, classmate of Stephanie. Stephanie is my cousin. Passed the letter to Hilda through Steph.. I wrote something that went like this "Hi Hilda, can we be friends? Meet me at the basketball court during recess..." Haha.....

 I remember... the day we were supposed to meet.. Met Hilda's mom and her at the zebra crossing..


Hilda's mom: "Meet at the zebra crossing can already! No need to meet at the basketball court! (cheekily)"

Me: *embarrassed*

Eventually.. I chickened out.. Hilda followed me for the whole of recess.. But I did not approach her, because I was shy.... Not exactly the cutest scenario it could have turned out to be, but it still brings a smile to my face...

Then there are days, I remember, that its nice to have someone.. :)

Break from Party week

Hi guys, life has been great... In summary..
1) Paintball @ Johor
2) Quantitative Finance?
3) Yellowcard Concert
4) Swee Choon
5) Bloomberg Introduction Course
6) Samba Masala

1) One weekend, went to Johor with SMU Xtremist event with FTB Friends to paintball! it was rather cool cuz some peeps from SICS camp were there as well! haha.. rainy day but oh well, paintball was cheap, seafood was GREAT. company was great. No complaints, really. $50 for painball and transportation, $25 for seafood. We ordered like starving kings. #onlyoverseas

2) went for a talk on QF. I was one of the few year ones there.. Sounds like... QF is such a pain. AND, despite the difficulty in learning, I just got a feeling that you might not be that recognised for your work! Talked to a random other year 1 girl who looked so lost at the QF talk.. Interesting.. it's nice to talk to random people, makes my day, not sure why.

3) Went to Hard Rock Hotel @ Sentosa for a concert by Yellowcard.. Good mix of songs over the 4-5 albums they have.. Ended with a BANG!

The last song was.
.
.
.
.
Ocean Avenue
T_T SO MANY MEMORIES. wonderful song, wonderful memories, wonderful friends.
I know that I was able to go for this concert because of some problems between friends, but I thought since I was there.. I should have a good time and show Zili a good time as well. heh. Hope my friend understands. The thing is... They both have their own valid points of view.. Its just very abrasive in nature, their r/s at this point of time.. I think that a break would do both of them ALOT of good, even though it might be painful...

4) Swee Choon was intended to be ORD Celebration for Abdullah, FTB friend. BUT he couldnt make it, cause of his granddad fell ill. Oh well, better go.. It was great! Ordered wayyy too much again, and paid $20/ pax for the dimsum dinner! Went home with the neighbour Isabel. Had an orange juice since I felt unwell. Chemical rxn. Great food, great company, great workout in the toilet. I have no idea why. Shit, literal meaning.

5) Went for a Bloomberg introduction course at Capital Square. Bloomberg LP. Wonderful place. Dualscreen system with 4 windows running concurrently, excel sheet exporting functionality, real time news updating. A powerful tool for any trader out there who needs information. Incredible. So after a long day of staring at not ONE but TWO screens, Bloomberg Executives have the luxury of a FANTASTIC pantry where its fully stocked with can drinks, coffee machine, meiji milk, prawn crackers, chocolates, dried fruits. Holy shit it should come with a store assistant?! anyway it was a great eye opener for me. Talked to a random year 4. Went to have sth to eat with her. Interesting, everyone is probably everyone's third degree friend! Girl from BLSS, cousin of Justin Ong BLSS! haha! was she into me? I dont know.. Just enjoy the conversation, move on.

6) Got into Samba Masala! Not as hyped up as some friends, but I am certainly happy to be selected to play my instrument of choice! Timbal!! Hand drums with many off beats. THe most GL instrument in the whole band with solo-ing opportunities wooohoooooo! I CAN BE A STAR HEHE.

Clubbing and all with friends as well. Holy shit, uni life is no joke. Bloody happening please.

Nearly 1 month in school

It's not been easy, really.. but its the way its supposed to be..

After all.. if not for army, I'll be in year 3, looking for a job in HSBC career talks instead of looking out for HSBC Student Ambassador Internships. Ran into friend from Nan Hua, Jun Wen.. Had dinner together somehow.. Had lunch with Wei Jie about 3 months ago as well.. They changed so much.. for the better. I need to do better! Time. To. Fly.

Friends eg Marcus, Team Others in crisis.. but.. things will get better.. The storms will pass, just like how they did with J. Not what I wanted nor expected, but the storms passed, and it was good for me. I don't blame her, neither should the people in context feel injustice. Its the human factor.. No right/ wrongs.. Just timing, miscommunication or even the corny.... fate.

Time... is really like a womanz boobz? As long as u SQUEEZE hard enough, there will be some.. Keep fighting! I hope to grow to become an intelligent, adaptive, humble man, with a heart. Let's see what happens!

Camps camps and more camps

I've been to 4 camps so far! and its been a busy period after the whole episode with Jasmine.

4 waves of people from: Sports Camp, Freshman Team Building, Special Interests and Community Service as well as SMU Xtremists. Different cultures, different people, different feeling!

Sports camp people are the most energetic and crazy. However also the most superficial. hmm.

Freshmen Team Building kids are a good mix, but only half the group left. Half of half of the group I like. heh. Oh well!

SICS kids are more chill. No hardcore activities, just enjoying each others' company and getting to know one another better. Met some interesting people, watched the group dynamics. From HTHT to HPHP, the variance and variety is quite impressive.

Xtremists are like family. You dont have to be awesome, they all just wanna have fun, together. I like that.. Not as much.. Innuendo and complications..

The difference between all these groups are quite stark tho. IDK what kind of impression I give these people, and how I might have changed since the past. But i know everything that has happened since, has shaped me. I am the same guy, but my experiences are just not the same.

My one sincere prayer, is that I don't lose track of myself!

Ex Gf Day

Today. A special day.

In summary: The Car Ride, Cycling, Stopping by Bedok Jetty, going to Burger King for a meal, Sitting by the Bench at East Coast to talk, Dinner at Saizeriya, The Dropoff.

The Car Ride:
Hi J, its been a long time. Glad we're going out to East Coast Park today. You're late tho. We were supposed to meet at 12plus. Its 1plus. Terrible.

Stopping By Bedok Jetty:
We talked about.. Your results, how you've been doing, your friends, plans after graduation, graduation trips and if there are any new guys coming along. Hmm... Recently busy.. Following the plans of friends.. "Im a very good follower!"

Burger King for a meal:
We shared a meal cause it would be too filling. We had Iced Latte. Talked about more things.

Sitting by the Bench at East Coast to talk:
We talked about, any girls in my life? Any guys in yours? Share leh? You know them for a month approx. We talked about the past. What happened? Nth apparently. It just didnt feel right. True, and you didnt drop the bomb the right way, which I deserve, true. We agreed. Good. Your family is different. Your mom only asked if you are still going out with me.. Then I asked, when you dropped the bomb, was it the end? You said yes, we were both confused. So I asked again, (putting my hand upon your shoulder) Would I ever get to hold you like this again?

No.

Okay, lets go for dinner.

Dinner at Saizeriya:
We had cheap italian japanese food, over which we discussed the payback rate of my SMU fees. I am Thankful. You paid for the meal, after I paid for the days' expenses. I am impressed. You also gave me a belated birthday present. A pen. I am impressed.

Walked to the car:
Wanted to hug you for a last time. Mission aborted. Arranged to meet B, and you kindly sent me there.

The Dropoff:
Me "One last thing to ask you"
"?"
Me "J, did you enjoy yourself?"
"Yes ah"
Me "Okay.."
       "......."
       "Can I hug you before I go?"
"Why leh"
Me "Yin1 Wei4 Wo3 Nian4 Jiu4" (because. I miss the past.)
"Okay"
Me "(Emotionally overwhelmed)"

.
.
.
.
..
.
Talked to B.
Move on? Get J back?
Decide, and move.

Crests and Troughs

Its been awhile.

(5-8 Jun 2012)

I've been to Bangkok, Phuket and back. All within 4D3N. Watched the Cabaret Show, did water parachuting, walk around with mom etc. Enjoyable trip nonetheless, even though with family, we can do less. But each group has their own purpose to fufil. And I am glad that this trip happened. Bought 5 shirts, which I need. Time to pick up some skills in terms of, ahem, 'packaging' huh.. haha.

WRT Orientation Camps, I am excited. I cannot wait to see what happens. To see the interactions and mixes between ages, to see the chemistry, awkwardness all around. And I am right smack in the midst of it! To see what sort of people I will see around, to get to the next phase.

Yet I am in no hurry... I have been clubbing with friends here and there, meeting up with Bryan and co, Marcus, Yi Fang, Army friends, Zili and gang, JC Clique Choon Guan and Co. Wow. seems like a whole lot of people. Not to mention spending some time with the Green Bean gang. Great to see everyone again. To have this transition period, to think to wander, to wonder.

Conversations, strengthened friendships proper conversations, improper conversations. All of it, is important. They make up who we become, some way or another. "In Limbo" is not really a waste of time. It is what you make it to be.

Yet another talk with Bryan. He's in the army phase, I am in the pre Uni phase. Yet we are able to come together to talk about things, which we suddenly can relate to in many ways.

Yap, my teacher from Green Bean told me before... He thought that Jasmine left cause I did not tell her what I wanted. I could not completely comprehend, yet Bryan did. And apparently B&T took about 2 years to learn the simple things. What seemed crystal clear to Bryan, might just be confusing to Ting! Now that I say it, it seems really simple. But when you are there, in that scenario, all the emotions, all the closeness. Yet some essential differences remain. We all need reminders sometimes. And I'm glad I talk to Yap... He teaches me too much... Totally enjoy conversation with Bryan, and the same goes for him. Hah.

In today's context.. I guess not too many guys have as simple a r/s as me and Bryan..... Just saying. And I sure as hell am proud of it.

I'm excited for Jin Hong to go to army, to see how he will grow, mature and become the man he could be to the people that matter to him, and vice versa. So much potential, so much regret. I understand, I empathise, yet I know he needs to keep struggling and going. How to say....

Just say what I can, at the right time. Minimal friction, maximum effort, ideally. Hahah, time to hone my skills of sensitivity+EQ+wisdom.....

After everything.... I am thankful for all that happened.... ALL. Everything. Including you, Jasmine. But I guess we were indeed.. Not meant to be. Let us take the hints from nature. Time to move on, even though I am sentimental, contrary to popular belief.... haha :) Great to rant once in a while ^^

Soul Searching

Long day, long weekend..

Had the talk that made me feel like. I was so connected.. Bryan and I are just... old men stuck in a 20 year old body. So different.

Is he really right? Are these the characteristics that set us apart?

Bryan:

Driven by fear

Superiority is key

Self aware > self belief

Self justify for motivation

Me:

Driven by belief

Providing makes me happy. Intrinsic value in activity vs achievement

Self belief > self aware

Able to motivate, convince self

Bryan's prediction: 

I want to experience, to meet people. Not yet found what I fight for.

Fails to respect and give credit for Dawn's drive. Might go on the wrong track, and be unable to turn back.

It just was a very engaging talk. One that made so many things come together. Will I forego many things for (apparently) mediocre things? Can I be happy? Will I regret?

Will I get caught in the rat race? I hope not.

I want to find ground of my own. I want to be special. To be able to provide, to help For those I can, to the best I can.

Note to self: "Why do I say certain things about certain people?"

Heartbeat

Just talked online to you, after deciding not to meet you. We're not talking about the sensitive things, and i guess rightfully so. We talked, as friends.

I always have this urge to ask you if you regretted. Would that make me throw aside everything, as I did? Or is once, enough?

You said you dreamt of me. I was surprised. Really. So messy, really, in my heart, amidst the music and deafening silence at 4am....

Earthly Desires

Tonight, Im thinking of you, Jasmine. My friends and I laugh about whatever happened from time to time, and I'm okay with us being parallel or even diverging. But I do miss you. No matter how bad you have ever been to me.. I will secretly always be carrying a torch for you. Inextinguishable? Only time will tell for me.

I had a chance to meet you when you went through me to buy some perfumes via Bryan, but I didnt. Cause I was afraid of meeting you. That my feelings get stirred again. I don't know whats best to do in that case. I would have been caught up with you. Again. It's been about 8 months now since I woke up from that dream. Oh God, I have no idea what I am doing.

Typing on a computer might be better for me! It's not something you really need comments on i guess? When sharing with friends.. I miss you ever so much, although you are just a stranger now, just like how we started. And now this is how it ends.

Just for this song

Hi there,

Just to share this song. For so much effort put into this, its worth sharing! Have a great day ahead all!

money and heart

I recently bought a pair of shoes. Love it! And then minutes ago I bought a laptop sleeve.MSIB

Wow, the cash is really flowing. More things to come in my life:

1) Bryan & Jin Hong enlist
2) Temp @  MSID (insurance company) in claims department, but not confirmed
3) Power Pleasure Craft Driving License
4) Batam trip with friends!

But more importantly, WHAT AM I GOING TO DO IN UNIVERSITY? What I'm told is that I can do so much better eg. Business Admin than in MECH ENGINEERING. Not that its a bad job, but the potential each degree gives you in a job differs. And now, its not that I dont want to do better. Thing is, IM TRYING TO APPLY. but it doesnt help that Jason is not giving me clear hints. He says im respected by many, he mystifies my friends and his friends. Need more help and direction! But I guess I need to ask. Humbly. He feels I would do better in SMU, and advocates the education system there.

I remember the interview at SMU not too long ago. Those kids, 2-3 years within range of mine, are all trying to climb over each others heads, trying to put each other down to stand out. It's life, but why be so eager to get to that, when life can be simpler, better for now?

As I remember writing in JC1 Camp some time ago, "Life isn't a bed of roses, but people deserve better."

First post.

Hi all random cyberfriends who happen to appear at this page,

I do not fancy men. Inspiration for the blog name comes from my friend's imaginary friend as below:

Well,

This is a place to keep myself in check. To rant about the little and big things in life, to dream big and small dreams, to talk about the cute girls I encounter in my life (in the near future I hope) and more. More importantly, I wish to look back at this in the future to see how far I have come.